Lance Selleck

My name is Lance Selleck, #41059. I’m in prison in Idaho for possession of meth. I’m up to be released on parole on 1-5-2025. I’m looking for a long-term relationship. I’m 49 years old. I’m an older gentleman, so I prefer an older lady. However, I have friends from all walks of life—gay, straight, bi, and all races, creeds, or religions and political beliefs. I do not wish to change anyone or have anyone change me. I simply want to find someone to enjoy this adventure we call life with.

I like to go for drives, hike, meet new people, and laugh. I do not care if you are overweight or in shape. If you wish to give life and maybe love a chance, let’s get to know each other and laugh a little. And in 58 days, we can begin to experience life together if you want.

Dry Humor

Ain’t it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

They said being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian. I don’t see them laughing now.

Dude gets on a plane, feeling a little bit nervous, asks the Captain, how often do these planes crash. The captain turns and says, just the once.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The only solution for bad manners is fast reflexes.

Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?

Time is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

I got lost in thoughts, it was unfamiliar territory.

Sure, I’d love to help you out… now which way did you come in?

I started with nothing and I still have most of it.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Everybody repeat after me. We are all individuals.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with limited inventory.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I tried paying my taxes with a smile, but they insisted on cash.

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

A jury: 12 people who decide which client could afford the best lawyer.

If you suck at playing the trumpet, that’s why.

If you’re buying Smart Water for $4 a bottle, it isn’t working.

I pulled a muscle digging for gold. It was just a miner injury.

I never like taking selfies of myself in the shower. The photos turn out blurry, and I have selfie steam issues.

When there’s a will, I want to be in it.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte—and then everything crashed.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

With great reflexes comes great response ability.

A Mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, “Uno, dos,” and he disappeared without a tres.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.

I’m trying to make this orange juice; it just says concentrate. I’m trying, but…

I worked as a waiter once. The pay wasn’t great, but it put food on the table.

Running in from the rain! Ouch! They’re calling it rain, but it hurts like hail.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings, you know she’s a keeper.

The thief that stole my iPhone might face time.

The reason talk is cheap is because supply usually exceeds demand.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.

Jokes

Jack Daniel’s, that’s a wild man drink. It should come with bail money, ‘cause on Jack you don’t know where you’re going to end up. But when you get there, you’re not going to be wearing pants.

In Idaho, we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food.

When we were growing up, my mother told my brother he was a pain in the neck. He became a chiropractor. I’m glad she didn’t call him a pain in the ass.

Benjamin Franklin was wrong. In my experience, “early to bed, and early to rise” makes a man dull, anal and horny.

Words in Time

Bewildered with the broken tongue
Of wakened angels in our sleep –
Then, lost the music that was sung
And lost the light time cannot keep!

There is a moment when we lie
Bewildered, wakened out of sleep,
When light and sound and all reply:
That moment time must tame and keep.

That moment, like a flight of birds
Flung from the branches where they sleep,
The poet with a beat of words
Flings into time for time to keep.

Author: Archibald MacLeish

Zone

We have struck the regions wherein we are keel or reef.
The wind breaks over us,
And against high sharp angles almost splits into words,
And these are of fear or grief.

Like a ship, we have struck expected latitudes
Of the universe, in March.
Through one short segment’s arch
Of the zodiac’s round
We pass,
Thinking: Now we hear
What we heard last year,
And bear the wind’s rude touch
And its ugly sound
Equally with so much
We have learned how to bear.

Author: Louise Bogan

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• Incarcerated Since: 2022
• Sentence Received: 2 to 7 years
• Earliest Release: 2025

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