Kyle is 41 and incarcerated in the US (VA).
HA! Victory is mine! I’ve finally managed to wriggle out of my Technicolour straitjacket and have successfully distracted the screws with contraband XXX nudie mags! But wait! Here’s a delightful conundrum: now that I’ve got the opportunity to tell you all about myself, just what am I to say that will compel you to take that dizzying first step into the Great Unknown of a brand-spanking new friendship? There’s so much to say–where do begin?!?!
Oh! I know!!!
Hi Freeworld peoples! *waving energetically* I am The Kyle and I’m the bestest friend you never had! “The Kyle” isn’t just a name, though, it’s a state of mind!
I’m that guy your Mother warned you about: a hyperactive super-cool-awesome wildcard with a wicked Cheshire grin, devastating charm and *way* more imagination, curiosity, and free time than can possibly be good for either of us! I may be barking mad, but your life is definitely going to be more interesting because of it! Come on, give in to the Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Dance–You *know* you want to!
Are you fun and interesting or, even better, really strange? Do you giggle uncontrollably at wildly inappropriate moments, or for no reason at all? Do you desperately wish your life were like your favorite Anime? Are you crazy for all things Japanese? Do you believe the world would be a better place if more people lightened up and gave in to whimsical flights of fancy or random acts of senseless Beauty? Is there way too much blood in your caffeine system? Do you have tattoos, piercings, or body modifications (and if so, will you show them to me?)? Do you have lots of awesome, interesting or exotic pets? Do you have a job doing something wicked cool? Are you a tortured soul expressing yourself through art, poetry, music, or photography? Do you believe in magick, Dragons or Fairies? Have you ever been abducted by aliens (or wish you had been)? Do you search for the impossible in everyday life? Do you know deep in your heart that there is more to this world, beyond sight and sound and touch? Are you a pathetically hopeless Romantic with more optimistic idealism than is probably good for you? Do you have room in your life for the madcap antics of a slightly demented, caffeine addled eccentric?
Then why the frak aren’t you writing to me yet?!?!
• Date of Birth: 09/02/1983 (41 years old)
• Gender: Male
• Marital Status: Married
• Sexual Orientation: Straight
• Race: White
• Ethnicity: N/A
• Eye Color: Green
• Hair Color: Brown
• Height: 6 ft. 1 in.
• Body Type: Average
• Hometown: NIMH
• Spoken Languages: English, can write Elvish + Futhark
• Religion: Wiccan – Tradition of Lothloriën
• Astrological Sign: Virgo
Profile will end on: 12/31/2025
Happy Thought (An Invitation)
Watching raindrop patterns on my window
Thinking of friends far away
I’m hoping a letter comes tonight-
The perfect end to my day
If you sing me a song, I’ll tell you my Happy Thought
If you tell me a story, I’ll share all the wishes I’ve caught
If you bring me riddles to solve, you’ll find me up to the task
That you show me something new is all that I ask
I have learned to catch the laughter in all my tears
To see the foolishness of all my greatest fears
For I have learned that Love only comes to hearts that believe
And it gives most to those with the greatest need
I’ll show you my world if you can befriend a stray
I promise you’ll like it here: there are new wonders every day
So sing me a song, my Happy Thoughts are yours
Listen, and you’ll hear them whisper as softly as a lion roars…
Well, frak. What are you still doing here? What, the profile wasn’t enough? The poetry didn’t satisfy your need to know all about The Kyle? You want more? Well, why didn’t you say so?
1) I’m on Facebook! Kyle.Hulbert.33@Facebook
My Beloved Wife maintains it for me; I send her posts on a near daily basis. Any delays in posts are a result of JPay being stoopid. This is a great way to keep tabs on all the awesomeness happening in my world, including my latest publishings.
By the way, if you friend me, please mention you saw my profile on Wire of Hope — my Wife is protective and doesn’t accept friend requests from anything she thinks is an A.I.!
2) I have a blog! www.CheshireMadn3ss.blogspot.com
I’ve had this for a while, and though the Pandemic really buggered my ability to post new things, I’ll be posting more in the not too distant future! Here you can find out about my current plans for world domination, rants about why Kung Fu works on zombies, reviews of movies, and the drippings of a brain with way too much free time on its hands. Oh, and you can find the prison’s mailing rules, too!
3) I write stuff! www.Vocal.Media
Here I write under the pseudonym Kyle Cejka. I recently won 2nd Runner Up on Vocal.Media’s Myth Maker contest with my myth “Why the Willow Weeps.” I have been posting stories and poetry here, all of which are dying for your feedback! I’ll only become a better writer I’d people.
4) I’ve been published by Mad in America! www.MadinAmerica.com
Mad in America is an amazing organization that advocates for change in the way mental health is dealt with in America. They’ve just published an article I wrote called “Pieces of Shattered Memories.”
5) Did I mention that I write stuff?
Writing is my passion. Horror, science fiction, and fantasy are my wheelhouses, though I am a fair hand at poetry. I write something almost every day, usually just some idea or another that slithered into my head. One day I hope that I will see my name at the top of the New York Times bestseller list, and maybe get to meet Clive Barker and Neil Gaiman.
So! Satisfied your Kyle fixation yet? No? Then write to me and introduce yourself to your newest bestest friend! A lifetime supply of super-cool-awesome Strangeness is waiting for you!
Oh yeah… one more thing:
6) I have JPay!
Mailroom restrictions on snail mail suck, *especially* if you’re reading this from Japan, Great Britain, or the Cat’s Eye Nebula. They photocopy everything in black and white and then shred the originals. Between that and the cost… *cringe* Yikes.
However! JPay.com provides email service to my prison. You can sign up to my Contact List and write to me to your heart’s content. I *always* answer, but if you don’t hear from me right away it’s either because I haven’t gotten your email yet — the prison’s screening process can slow things down — or I’m busy breeding mutant rats under my bed again and I’ll get back to you as soon as I get them weaned. In either case, don’t panic!
Can’t wait to hear from you!
Kyle Hulbert #1165519
River North Correctional Center
329 Dell Brook Lane
Independence, VA 24348
USA
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• Incarcerated Since: 2001
• Sentence Received: Life Without Parole
• Earliest Release: N/A
